It is truly "Midnight in a Perfect World"

"Music at its best...is the grand archeology into and transfiguration of our guttural cry, the great human effort to grasp in time our deepest passions and yearnings as prisoners of time. Profound music leads us--beyond language--to the dark roots of our scream and the celestial heights of our silence. "
— Cornel West

I actually listened to this album driving home from work in the dark. Since it was a long day, I wasn’t particularly interested in listening to upbeat songs on the album. My favorite song off of DJ Shadow’s Endtroducing… album was “Midnight in a Perfect World” (track 11.) The song had a really mellow feel to it. It reminds me a lot of jazz mixed with early hip-hop. The singer’s voice paired perfectly with the beat and tone of the song. The song really kept me calm and focused. For some reason, I didn’t realize there was a guitarist playing throughout the song. It caught my attention because it seemed to gradually carry the song to its end. The title of the song fits perfectly for what I thought of when I heard it. I imagined myself alone, staring down at the city lights on top of a tall apartment building. The time is when stores are already closed and people are already asleep. Music can bring up feelings that aren’t usually experienced on a daily basis. “Midnight in a Perfect World” was my favorite because it allowed me to calmly reflect on what’s going on in my life. I have a year left to graduate, am going through a recent break-up, and accumulating stress from work; I’m struggling to find truth and strength within myself. For some reason, listening to songs that have a slow instrumental tone like “Midnight in a Perfect World” gives me a little hope that all this stress I’m dealing with will inevitably dissipate. I will be able to overcome the fear of being alone/unsuccessful/stressed/etc. and enjoy just being myself.

Love, hope, and strength for the better.

Narrator: Mathilde leans back against her chair, folds her hands in her lap, and looks at him. In the sweetness of the air, in the light of the garden, Mathilde looks at him. She looks at him... She looks at him...

After finishing the movie, A Very Long Engagement, it is clear to me the impact of what love and hope can do for someone struggling to find truth. In the movie, the lead character Mathilde is on a constant journey to find the truth about what has happened to her beloved fiancé. Throughout the movie, there is no support from those surrounding her. Her family and the investigator she hires thinks that Mathilde is on an endless quest to only get her heart broken. It is through her willpower and strength that she finds him and proves everyone wrong.

I honor Mathilde for keeping hope in her heart that she would find the truth. There was countless times where it seemed as though she should have accepted the inevitable – that her lover had died in No Man’s Land. I’ve been struggling these past two weeks to let go of my love for someone else and find in me, a love for myself. It’s difficult to let go of the shadows of the mind, as it was difficult for Mathilde to escape the hopeless words of those puppeteers around her. Finding the strength to move through the shadows that plague my mind is a fight, minute by minute. It is through my family and best friends’ hope for the better and love for me that I break through the chains that tie me to my cave. I’m inspired that one day I will also find the truth. I aim to find happiness in the person looking back in the mirror.

One day at a time...

Phil: Do you know what today is?
Rita: No, what?
Phil: Today is tomorrow. It happened.

Groundhog Day seems to coincide with the events occurring in my life these past two weeks, as well as my initial blog about my cave. Phil takes a long time to finally figure out his escape from his cave, which was his narcissistic personality. He didn’t seem to care at all about the people around him. In the beginning, he was trying to satisfy what he thought he wanted and took advantage of other people. Gradually, he started to see that he was stuck in his own mind. It was only when he really felt alone that he decided to start looking at himself more clearly. The day he kept repeating wasn’t being taken for granted. At the end of the movie, he found his own worth and saw that he could help/benefit others. By finally caring about others, he felt good about himself.

The cave can be a difficult thing to get out of. Phil struggled, as did I. For me, it is only when I find my true worth in this world that I can find solace outside of the cave. Seeing the reactions of others when I was going through a depressing time showed me that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve come to realize that everyone has their own caves, that I am not alone in the struggle to find truth. It may take a while for me to finally heal and find myself, but it’s all a gigantic learning process. Each day is one step closer to learning more about me. It will take a long time, but the path isn’t as dark as it seemed.

Love thyself.

Learning to live what you're born with is the process, the involvement, the making of a life. -- Diane Wakoski

Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. -- Tao Te Ching

In Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave,” a prisoner, bonded with chains, escapes his reality and slowly adjusts to the light. He comes to terms with the true state of things, but then refers back to the cave. Reflecting on the story, many different experiences in my life came to mind. The most profound story that comes to mind is my battle with my own self image and how I am slowly escaping the cave again and again.

The media or society places much emphasis on beauty and the appearance of being stick thin. When I was younger, I used to subscribe to those magazines with emaciated super models on the cover and flip through fashion ads, wanting to be as beautiful and skinny as them. Even in television or movies, it was always the skinny girl getting the hot guy to fall in love with her. It was my dream to have my knight in shining armor rescue me. How was he going to sweep me off my feet if I was this gigantic bucket of lard?

It didn’t help any that I was made fun of by some family members, “friends,” and classmates for being tall and bigger than most girls. I realize now that when you’re 11 or 12, you really aren’t supposed to take to heart the kinds of horrible things being said to you. For me though, I had remembered every word that they had said and received it as a direct blow to my confidence. I hated the person staring back at me in the mirror. I was too fat and too ugly. I turned to cutting as a mechanism to release my pain and developed anorexia.

I started losing a lot of weight and became overly depressed. I went through fainting spells. I was sent to the hospital several times, for low blood sugar as well as suicidal attempts. I just couldn’t release the idea in my mind that I wasn’t good enough for anyone to even look at. I made up reasons in my head for why I should get skinnier: to get the attention of a guy, to become a great actress, only 10 more pounds to lose, to buy smaller clothes, to look like this person, etc.

It was the reaction of the people around me that caused me to finally realize that what I was doing was stupid. My family and friends confronted me. They loved me for who I was inside and told me that that would never change. It wouldn’t matter how much I weighed. They told me that they were scared I was going to die. Seeing how much all these people loved and cared for me snapped me out of my reality. It took years for my appetite to come back up, but it was with the help and love from the people surrounding me that pushed me to normalize my eating habits and start to love myself.

I see now that I was very close to self destruction. I’m glad to have realized that everyone has their own self image issues. (Also, that the norm for US citizens is a size 12.) From time to time, I’ll revert back to those thoughts of wanting to fit a size 2 or have bouts of depression. When these thoughts cross my mind, it’s hard for me to escape, but I inch my way back up with my family and friends being the sun that guides my way.