"The Guest"

The character I liked the most in Albert Camus’ short story “The Guest” was Daru. He exhibited the traits we have been discussing in these past few weeks about what real love is. Daru had been living alone for a while, away from all contact with other human beings. Then two people enter his center of solace, one of them he knows and the other a prisoner who had killed someone. We have been talking about being objectivity in everyday occurrences and Daru obviously exhibited this. He did not automatically pass judgment on the prisoner. He questioned why he had killed, but when he didn’t get an answer, that didn’t stop him from still being civil to the man. At times, Daru would show his nervousness about the situation, but he still fell through in caring for the man. He provided food to eat and a bed to sleep on. He could have left him to starve and sleep on the floor, but instead he acted with compassion. He treated the prisoner as an equal, not truly taking into account his misdeeds. When it came time to walk the prisoner to prison, Daru chose to let the prisoner either run free or turn himself in. People have the free will to do as they please, and once someone makes a choice, they are to live with their results and actions of that choice. By giving the prisoner his own choice, Daru was left without the guilt of turning someone in. This is probably the best way Daru showed objectivity. The prisoner was left with deciding his own fate, instead of Daru deciding to turn him in.

Include patience in everday life.

I have been working at Gamestop for 2 years, off and on. For those that are not familiar with the company, Gamestop is a gaming based retail business. We sell new and used video games, video game systems, books, and accessories. Out of all retail jobs, I believe that it is the easiest retail job anyone could ever have. Although, it is still RETAIL.

Working in retail can be mundane, annoying, and difficult. Gamestop says “customers always comes first,” but really, what retail company TRULY pushes this phrase into action? Corporate tells us that our number one priority right now is to push, sell, and emphasize reserving upcoming titles. Our district managers even send us emails all the time about what percentage we should have at the end of the day in reserves and magazine subscriptions. In my store, as well as other stores, everyone is scared to lose their jobs because of their lack of numbers. You can imagine that if we need numbers, we obviously will do just about anything to get them. I have been starting to see a trend where employees are more concerned about pushing reserves and subscriptions rather than actually talking with customers and getting to know their needs. I do not do as well as others in my store, but I try my hardest to push numbers as well as please the customers.

The hardest time to be truly involved and associating with customers is around the holidays. People, especially parents, either have a wish list already set and ready or have no clue what to get their family members and children. It can be a trying time for parents, but also for us employees. For some reason, EVERYONE seems more grumpy than usual.

Around Christmastime of last year, there were a large amount of people shopping in the store. A woman had come up to me and flat out said, “My son wants one of those gaming things and I don’t have any idea what he’s talking about. I need help!” (These customers are my favorite!) She seemed a little stressed out, looking around at all the different looking systems and vast amount of video games for each. Instead of just being a retail zombie and showing her the various expensive product, I tried to relate to her by saying that when I first started, I had no clue about the gaming world. I was just like her, clueless as to what these boxes and cords all did. I asked her about her son and her concerns: he was only ten years old and she didn’t want her son getting into violent video games, she wanted to be able to have a system where the rest of her family could play, etc. I listened to her intently and didn’t say a word of suggestion until she was finished. After, I walked around the store with her and pointed out the various systems we had. In doing so, I also described, to the best of my knowledge, the qualities and benefits of each system, and the types of games that usually came out for each. I answered all of her questions and took the time to ask other employees about things I didn’t know about. This took about 10-15 minutes, during which a line had formed behind the counter. I told her to take her time in deciding, and whenever she was ready, I would be at the counter. This woman ended up buying a new Wii system, extra controllers, several video games, as well as a magazine subscription. When I was done ringing her up, she shook my hand and expressed great gratitude. She told me she came in there feeling like a lost puppy and came out with something she was satisfied with. She also said I was the best employee she has ever talked to in a retail environment and that no one has ever took as much time with her as I did.

I still smile thinking about the experience because her compliments were so sweet and genuine and I truly felt like I helped her in her situation. I did my best to relate to her and thought back to when I knew nothing about video games. In retail, we forget that in order to please customers, we have to relate to them. We can’t always think about numbers or pushing product. It is more important to look outside of the “job” and see what the customer truly needs and wants. By getting to know someone, one is able to step into their shoes and see what they truly want, and in the end, both can be satisfied and happy. I see now that when I differ in opinions with certain friends, I have to take the time to get to know their side of the story. I can’t just jump to conclusions or block out what they feel, even if it is the opposite of mine. The principle of love that I’ve learned from this experience is in order to have a true idea of love, one must have the ability to be patient with not only our family and friends, but to strangers, co-workers, and other people we encounter on a daily basis.

This is a cold war..

Music is a constant lover, teacher, and friend in my life. It has not left my side since the very first day my aunt put on a Madonna album and I listened to “Like a Prayer.” Music has been there for me when I was going through various problems and issues in my life, like a family death, recent break-up, or even just a lonely night. It was also there to motivate me to grasp life by the hands and just let loose. It taught me to not take life so seriously. Music has taught me to dance, shake my hips, twirl, and toss my hair to the beat of the song. It showed me life should always have a soundtrack. I have to admit: I am in love with Music.

The song that I have chosen that is significant in my life today would be “Cold War” by Janelle Monae. The opening of the song starts off with slow, melodic keys, making me think the song would continue as a ballad. Then she starts to sing along with a fast drum beat. Towards the end, a crazy electric guitar solo is done by “Kelindoooo.” I love the way Janelle’s voice sounds in the song. She sings with real heart and soul. She carries on this feeling of soulfulness throughout the whole song, never faltering.

The lyrics of the song relate to every note that is being played. To me, the song is about trying to find peace within one’s self so that we could all live day by day. The chorus, “This is a cold war/Do you know what you’re fighting for?” is the perfect choice of words. Life is a bitch, so why are we putting up with her? I question myself all the time, what am I doing here on this planet? What’s the point of dealing with all the drama and bull shit? I have been trying to find in me an answer as to why I get up in the morning. It might sound like a depressing thought, but it is a difficult question to answer: WHY? The lyric “I'm trying to find my peace/I was made to believe there's something wrong with me” is exactly, word for word, how I feel at this point in my life. I have constant depressive thoughts that there is something mentally wrong with me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel an extreme sense of self-loathing. I do not truly love my whole self, and realizing that is the first step to trying to find my own peace. It is as if one must break down in order to formally build a stable sense of self.

I love how the tone of the song seems so full of optimism. The song itself makes me want to get up and dance. It seems to give me courage to continue on my journey to find myself. The guitar solo really hits me. It correlates to the opening lyric, “But being alone is the only way to be.” It starts off slow, just like how it takes a while to find happiness within myself. The guitarist then gradually leads to a fast riff and by the end of the song, the guitar is the last instrument being heard. After finally finding love and truth within my own mind, I know from then on that I can carry on by myself. I can live life knowing it is okay to be alone. My favorite lyric to the song is “We must brave this night and have faith in love.” The lyric itself holds a lot of value to me. There will always be hard times ahead, but I must believe that in the end, everything happens for a reason. I see that I must ignore all the bad I see in myself and the world, and look towards the beauty in life and love for myself.

“Cold War” by Janelle Monae

So you think I'm alone?
But being alone's the only way to be
When you step outside
You spend life fighting for your sanity

This is a cold war
You better know what you're fighting for
This is a cold war
Do you know what you're fighting for?

If you wanna be free?
Below the ground's the only place to be
Cause in this life
You spend time running from depravity

This is a cold war
Do you know what you're fighting for?
This is a cold war
You better know what you're fighting for
This is a cold war
You better know what you're fighting for
This is a cold war
Do you know what you're fighting for?

Bring wings to the weak and bring grace to the strong
May all evil stumble as it flies in the world
All the tribes comes and the mighty will crumble
We must brave this night and have faith in love

I'm trying to find my peace
I was made to believe there's something wrong with me
And it hurts my heart
Lord have mercy, ain't it plain to see?

This is a cold war
You better know what you're fighting for
This is a cold war
Do you know what you're fighting for?

KELLINDOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Do you know it's a cold, cold war?
Do you, do you do you?

Bye, bye, bye, bye
Don't you cry when I say goodbye

It is truly "Midnight in a Perfect World"

"Music at its best...is the grand archeology into and transfiguration of our guttural cry, the great human effort to grasp in time our deepest passions and yearnings as prisoners of time. Profound music leads us--beyond language--to the dark roots of our scream and the celestial heights of our silence. "
— Cornel West

I actually listened to this album driving home from work in the dark. Since it was a long day, I wasn’t particularly interested in listening to upbeat songs on the album. My favorite song off of DJ Shadow’s Endtroducing… album was “Midnight in a Perfect World” (track 11.) The song had a really mellow feel to it. It reminds me a lot of jazz mixed with early hip-hop. The singer’s voice paired perfectly with the beat and tone of the song. The song really kept me calm and focused. For some reason, I didn’t realize there was a guitarist playing throughout the song. It caught my attention because it seemed to gradually carry the song to its end. The title of the song fits perfectly for what I thought of when I heard it. I imagined myself alone, staring down at the city lights on top of a tall apartment building. The time is when stores are already closed and people are already asleep. Music can bring up feelings that aren’t usually experienced on a daily basis. “Midnight in a Perfect World” was my favorite because it allowed me to calmly reflect on what’s going on in my life. I have a year left to graduate, am going through a recent break-up, and accumulating stress from work; I’m struggling to find truth and strength within myself. For some reason, listening to songs that have a slow instrumental tone like “Midnight in a Perfect World” gives me a little hope that all this stress I’m dealing with will inevitably dissipate. I will be able to overcome the fear of being alone/unsuccessful/stressed/etc. and enjoy just being myself.

Love, hope, and strength for the better.

Narrator: Mathilde leans back against her chair, folds her hands in her lap, and looks at him. In the sweetness of the air, in the light of the garden, Mathilde looks at him. She looks at him... She looks at him...

After finishing the movie, A Very Long Engagement, it is clear to me the impact of what love and hope can do for someone struggling to find truth. In the movie, the lead character Mathilde is on a constant journey to find the truth about what has happened to her beloved fiancé. Throughout the movie, there is no support from those surrounding her. Her family and the investigator she hires thinks that Mathilde is on an endless quest to only get her heart broken. It is through her willpower and strength that she finds him and proves everyone wrong.

I honor Mathilde for keeping hope in her heart that she would find the truth. There was countless times where it seemed as though she should have accepted the inevitable – that her lover had died in No Man’s Land. I’ve been struggling these past two weeks to let go of my love for someone else and find in me, a love for myself. It’s difficult to let go of the shadows of the mind, as it was difficult for Mathilde to escape the hopeless words of those puppeteers around her. Finding the strength to move through the shadows that plague my mind is a fight, minute by minute. It is through my family and best friends’ hope for the better and love for me that I break through the chains that tie me to my cave. I’m inspired that one day I will also find the truth. I aim to find happiness in the person looking back in the mirror.

One day at a time...

Phil: Do you know what today is?
Rita: No, what?
Phil: Today is tomorrow. It happened.

Groundhog Day seems to coincide with the events occurring in my life these past two weeks, as well as my initial blog about my cave. Phil takes a long time to finally figure out his escape from his cave, which was his narcissistic personality. He didn’t seem to care at all about the people around him. In the beginning, he was trying to satisfy what he thought he wanted and took advantage of other people. Gradually, he started to see that he was stuck in his own mind. It was only when he really felt alone that he decided to start looking at himself more clearly. The day he kept repeating wasn’t being taken for granted. At the end of the movie, he found his own worth and saw that he could help/benefit others. By finally caring about others, he felt good about himself.

The cave can be a difficult thing to get out of. Phil struggled, as did I. For me, it is only when I find my true worth in this world that I can find solace outside of the cave. Seeing the reactions of others when I was going through a depressing time showed me that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve come to realize that everyone has their own caves, that I am not alone in the struggle to find truth. It may take a while for me to finally heal and find myself, but it’s all a gigantic learning process. Each day is one step closer to learning more about me. It will take a long time, but the path isn’t as dark as it seemed.

Love thyself.

Learning to live what you're born with is the process, the involvement, the making of a life. -- Diane Wakoski

Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. -- Tao Te Ching

In Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave,” a prisoner, bonded with chains, escapes his reality and slowly adjusts to the light. He comes to terms with the true state of things, but then refers back to the cave. Reflecting on the story, many different experiences in my life came to mind. The most profound story that comes to mind is my battle with my own self image and how I am slowly escaping the cave again and again.

The media or society places much emphasis on beauty and the appearance of being stick thin. When I was younger, I used to subscribe to those magazines with emaciated super models on the cover and flip through fashion ads, wanting to be as beautiful and skinny as them. Even in television or movies, it was always the skinny girl getting the hot guy to fall in love with her. It was my dream to have my knight in shining armor rescue me. How was he going to sweep me off my feet if I was this gigantic bucket of lard?

It didn’t help any that I was made fun of by some family members, “friends,” and classmates for being tall and bigger than most girls. I realize now that when you’re 11 or 12, you really aren’t supposed to take to heart the kinds of horrible things being said to you. For me though, I had remembered every word that they had said and received it as a direct blow to my confidence. I hated the person staring back at me in the mirror. I was too fat and too ugly. I turned to cutting as a mechanism to release my pain and developed anorexia.

I started losing a lot of weight and became overly depressed. I went through fainting spells. I was sent to the hospital several times, for low blood sugar as well as suicidal attempts. I just couldn’t release the idea in my mind that I wasn’t good enough for anyone to even look at. I made up reasons in my head for why I should get skinnier: to get the attention of a guy, to become a great actress, only 10 more pounds to lose, to buy smaller clothes, to look like this person, etc.

It was the reaction of the people around me that caused me to finally realize that what I was doing was stupid. My family and friends confronted me. They loved me for who I was inside and told me that that would never change. It wouldn’t matter how much I weighed. They told me that they were scared I was going to die. Seeing how much all these people loved and cared for me snapped me out of my reality. It took years for my appetite to come back up, but it was with the help and love from the people surrounding me that pushed me to normalize my eating habits and start to love myself.

I see now that I was very close to self destruction. I’m glad to have realized that everyone has their own self image issues. (Also, that the norm for US citizens is a size 12.) From time to time, I’ll revert back to those thoughts of wanting to fit a size 2 or have bouts of depression. When these thoughts cross my mind, it’s hard for me to escape, but I inch my way back up with my family and friends being the sun that guides my way.